I am legit riled up about this.

I keep hearing stories from people who are dating about going out with someone who asks them ZERO questions.

They sit down for dinner and spend two hours learning about his job, his family, his hobbies, his mission, his dog, the weird thing his roommate did in college, his hopes, his dreams, his thoughts on pickleball, and then leave realizing he never asked a single thing about the girl they went out with.

HOW?!

But this is absolutely not just a dating problem. I have been in so many conversations where I ask someone a question, they answer it, and then…nothing.

So I ask another question.

They answer.

Nothing.

I ask for a follow-up.

They answer.

Nothing.

Eventually I will intentionally stop talking just to give them a little runway. Like, Surely they’re going to step in here. Surely they’re going to ask me something.

Nope.

We just sit there. And it’s awkward.

And because I cannot handle the silence anymore, guess what I do?

I ASK ANOTHER FREAKING QUESTION. 

Then I leave the conversation thinking they literally just do not care about anyone but themselves. I’m not hurt about it just SO EXTREMELY ANNOYED!

Conversation is Between TWO People

I genuinely like asking people questions.

I love learning about people. I want to know what you’re working on and what your marriage is like and what you’re worried about and where you bought your shoes.

But even someone who genuinely enjoys asking questions gets tired of carrying the entire conversation.

Because when you don’t ask anything back, the other person is doing all the work. And it’s exhausting to be with you. Sorry but it’s the truth. 

The other person is thinking of the next topic and filling the silence while you sit and continue to not care about anyone but yourself.

They’re remembering what you said ten minutes ago so they can follow up and while they’re making sure you feel interesting and comfortable and included.

They are thinking WHEN WILL YOU PICK UP A DUMBELL

Help me out here.

“But I’m an Introvert.”

This is the part where someone inevitably says:

But Abi, I’m an introvert. Talking to people is hard for me.

IT’S HARD FOR ME TOO.

I don’t think asking questions is an introvert/extrovert thing.

There are introverts who are phenomenal conversationalists and extroverts who will talk about themselves for 45 uninterrupted minutes.

Asking questions is a skill.

And like most skills, some people seem to come by it naturally and the rest of us have to practice.

You don’t have to become the life of the party. You don’t have to work the room. You don’t have to suddenly become incredibly charming or funny or interesting.

You just have to look outside yourself for a minute and wonder about the person in front of you.

That’s it.

Be curious, you’re not prying, you’re making people feel like they are interesting. And about 100% of the time you will learn that mostly everyone is interesting in their own way. 

Like come on, you can do it.

I Think We’re Getting Worse at This

I do wonder if the way we communicate online is bleeding into the way we communicate in real life.

We know SO MUCH about each other without ever having to ask.

We watch someone’s vacation while they’re on it. We know what they made for dinner. We know their kid made the soccer team. We know they got a new job because we saw the announcement.

We can leave a heart or write “SO CUTE!!!” and keep scrolling.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. I make my living on the internet, for heaven’s sake.

But I wonder if we’re getting accustomed to consuming information about people instead of being curious about them.

Those aren’t the same thing.

Knowing what someone did this weekend isn’t the same as sitting across from them and asking:

How was it? What was your favorite part? Would you do it again? Wait, what happened with that thing you were worried about?

And then listening long enough to hear where the conversation wants to go next.

We as a society just simply need to care more about people and how they are doing rather than just trusting social media and the internet to show us. 

Maybe They Just Don’t Care About You

And now for the uncomfortable thought I’ve had lately.

For those of us who are ALWAYS asking the questions, maybe we also need to learn when to stop.

I tend to assume that if a conversation isn’t going well, I need to fix it.

So I find another question.

And another.

And another.

But at some point, if you’ve spent an hour being deeply curious about someone and they haven’t expressed an ounce of curiosity about you…

Maybe that’s information.

Maybe they don’t care that much about you.

SHEESH. Harsh,  but you know that it’s probably true.

Obviously one conversation isn’t a scientific study. People have bad days. People get nervous. People are distracted. Sometimes a friend desperately needs to talk and you spend the whole night listening. That’s part of loving people.

But if this is the pattern of the relationship?

Maybe stop doing all the conversational heavy lifting and see what happens.

I’m currently trying to learn this myself.

Asking a Question Is Such a Small Thing

Because underneath my entire rant is something I actually care about quite a bit.

I think relationships need to be nurtured.

Friendships, marriages, sibling relationships, relationships with our parents, the new person sitting next to us at dinner – all of them require us to occasionally get outside our own heads and become interested in somebody else’s world.

And asking a question is one of the easiest ways to do that.

It really does say:

I see you.

I’m curious about you.

You don’t have to do all the work here.

So ask the freaking question.

50 Questions to Keep in Your Back Pocket

And if you’re sitting there thinking, FINE ABI, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ASK…

I got you.

I made a list of 50 questions you can ask almost anyone.

Use them on a date. Pull one out when you’re sitting next to somebody you don’t know. Like please I beg of you ask a question!

Start doing some of the lifting, please.

Because I’m tired.