In 2021, we packed up our three little kids and went to Hawaii for three weeks to visit my brother. We were so excited! Three weeks in Hawaii, staying on his incredible property, kids running around outside all day. What could possibly go wrong?

Turns out, you can take your family to paradise and still very much have to parent them.

Our kids were little, and we were right in the thick of trying to figure out how to raise good humans, have a good marriage, keep everyone alive, and build the kind of family we actually wanted to have. Some days we were crushing it. Other days it was a complete shit show.

Both Ammon and I were raised in amazing families. We had parents who loved us, strong examples to follow, and really good childhoods. But nobody had ever sat us down and said, Okay, now that you’re building a family of your own, what exactly are you trying to build?

There was no rule book.

While we were in Hawaii, we met Chris and Melissa Smith, who were living on my brother’s property at the time. They had created Family Brand, where they helped families intentionally build their own family culture.

The idea sounded a little corporate to me at first. A brand? For my family?

But then they explained something that completely changed the way Ammon and I thought about our home:

Your family already has a brand.

Every family does.

It’s the way you talk to each other. The things you prioritize. What you celebrate. The stories you tell. How you spend your time. What happens when someone screws up. The traditions you refuse to miss. The things your kids know, without anyone saying them out loud, are simply what our family does.

Call it a brand, a culture, a vibe, whatever you want.

You already have one.

And then Melissa said something I’ve never forgotten:

Define your family brand or the world will define it for you.

Our kids are constantly being told what matters, what success looks like, who they should be, and what will make them happy. We can’t control all those voices, nor should we try.

But we can make sure they know ours.

That led Ammon and me to a much bigger question:

What do we want it to mean to be an Ayres?

That was five years ago. We’ve learned a lot since then, and I’m going to share more over the next few weeks about what we actually implemented, what stuck, and what has genuinely helped our family.

Chris and Melissa have built an entire program around this, so if you want to go much deeper than I’m going to here, absolutely learn from them directly.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE FROM THE SMITHS →

But if you want to start right now, here’s where I’d begin.

Decide What Your Family Stands For

Ask yourself:

What do we want to be true about our family?

Not what should matter. What actually matters to you?

Faith. Kindness. Hard work. Adventure. Honesty. Humor. Service. Creativity. Gratitude. Curiosity.

Then ask:

• What do we want our home to feel like?
• How do we want to treat each other?
• What do we want our kids to remember about growing up here?
• What do we hope they carry into their own families?
• What do we want to be true about us when life gets hard?

That’s where your family culture starts.

Give It Language

Once you know what matters, put it into words your family can actually remember.

When we first did this, we came up with statements like:

Ayres speak honestly and without judgment.

Ayres make memories.

Ayres uplift and inspire.

Ayres give our best to each other.

Writing these down obviously did not magically transform five opinionated Ayres into perfect human beings.

They’re something to come back to.

Your family might create a motto, a creed, a handful of values, or a few simple family rules. The format isn’t important.

Don’t worry about making it profound. Make it true.

Tell Your Stories

Your kids should know where they came from.

Tell them how you met. What Grandma was like at 20. Your first terrible apartment. The Christmas everything went wrong. The relative who did something completely unhinged. The people who came before them and survived really hard things.

Tell the beautiful stories and the messy ones.

They all say the same thing:

You are part of something that started before you. You belong here.

Repeat What Matters

This is where traditions come in, and obviously I am a sucker for a tradition.

Sunday dinner. Hot chocolate after the first snow. The same birthday breakfast. An annual camping trip. A ridiculous Christmas talent show everyone complains about and would absolutely riot if you canceled.

Traditions are values made visible.

If you value connection, create reasons to gather. If you value service, serve together. If you value adventure, go places. If faith matters, create rhythms around it.

You don’t need fifty traditions. You need a few worth keeping.

Make Room for Who Your Kids Become

Melissa asked us: Can we create a space of love and let our kids be free to be who they are without judgment?

Building a strong family identity isn’t about producing identical humans. Our kids will grow up. They’ll decide what they believe, what they value, which traditions they keep, and what kind of families they create.

We aren’t deciding who our children will become. We’re deciding what kind of home they’ll get to become themselves in. We create a safe space for them to grow inside.

What Do You Want to Pass Down?

Someday my kids will leave our house. I care if they know we show up for people. We work hard. We laugh a lot. Faith matters. We make memories. There’s always room at our table. And belonging here has never depended on performing.

I’m not trying to pass down a perfect family system. I’m trying to build something that will outlast me for generations of time: A family that knows who it is.

It’s been five years since Chris and Melissa first introduced us to this idea, and we’ve had plenty of time to see what actually stuck. Over the next few posts, I’m going to share what we’ve done with our own family: the values we’ve chosen, our motto, the traditions we’ve created, what we’ve changed, and what I think has actually made a difference.

But Chris and Melissa are the experts here. If this idea has you thinking about your own family and you want to actually build your Family Brand, go straight to them. They have the tools, resources, and guidance to walk you through it.

BUILD YOUR FAMILY BRAND WITH CHRIS + MELISSA →

And if you’re curious what this has looked like inside our slightly chaotic family five years later:

READ THE NEXT POST →